This weekend was interesting. It started out good, leaving work knowing that it's Friday is awesome. So I got home, ate dinner and played some video games. All in all a good close to a long week at work.
Saturday I got up nice and late (around 11:30ish) and ate breakfast. Then I watched the Red Sox whoop the crap out of the Yankees, which always rules. I headed to the gym for awhile after that. After beating the crap out of my muscles, me and Chris headed over to Mom's house for a dip in the hot tub. We took Chris' dog, Mysti with us. The bassets didn't really know what to do with her, but she seemed to enjoy jumping over them and chewing on their rawhides. After about an hour and a half in the hot tub, we decided to head home.
Usually, and I don't know why, after being in a hot tub for any time longer than 20 minutes I always end up with a headache. Doesn't matter if I'm drinking tons of water, some water, or no water, I always feel dehydrated. So after we got home I pretty much headed straight to bed around 11:30 with a migraine. Luckily, after 9 years of having migraines, I know how to get rid of them quickly: cold, damp washcloth over the forehead and eyes, dark, quiet and sleep. I woke up at 1:00 with no headache whatsoever. Then I proceeded to sleep till 10:30.
I got up this morning feeling fine, knowing I was going to be driving a lot. So I got ready and headed over to Dad's house to check on the cats, get the mail and newspaper, etc. Now, when I was there last weekend, one of the cats, Minnie, was fine with me, was rubbing up against me, loving the fact that I was there. The kitten, Munchkin, didn't like me being there. Today was the complete opposite. Minnie actually hissed at me, which was strange since I was giving her a treat at the time, while Munchkin actually came up to me to take the treat. *shrugs*
Anyway, then I headed back over to Mom's house to give Jerry my car payment check which was a couple weeks overdue, but since I'm stupid I kept fogetting to take my checkbook every time I saw them over the last few weeks. So I went over there and watched a bit of the Bears/Redskins game. The dogs, understandably, were pretty much passed out the whole time I was there. So I headed back home and watched some more football, followed by two episodes of Lost (which I'm addicted to, by the way). Then it was time for, yes, some more football.
Overall the weekend was good, relaxing, I didn't do anything special, yet it feels like it wasn't long enough.
On Friday night (I think), I was bored and decided to look around myspace.com to see if I could find anyone I knew. Well, first off, this is a mistake to begin with, because you have to deal with people who want to have a website but know nothing about design. People, having animated .gifs for your background, and using a similar colored text DOESN'T WORK. Anyway, like I said, I was looking for people I knew. I found some people I went to high school with, but don't really care too much about. Then I ran across a few people that I used to work with, and this just sucked.
Now, for those of you that knew me either during high school, or just after, know how I was back then compared to how I am now. One thing that has always been really important to me is friends. The last 4 years I have been very out of the loop as far as friends go. This started with my relationship with TJ. You all know that I know I fucked up on that one, and that I'm so sorry about everything that happened then, but have no way to convey my apologies. And because of that year and a half, I sort of continued that supposed lack of caring or whatever you want to call it into my next relationship. Now, I would hope that I was better (not "back to being myself," but better) during the last two years, but I know it wasn't enough. Whether it was to you or not, it wasn't. Not for me. I hated the way I acted toward my friends/family when I was with TJ. I didn't have the fun at my brother's wedding that I should have, and I feel like I let the whole family down another few notches that day. I missed Mom's graduation party. I wasn't allowed to go to Scott's Mom's funeral (this one hurts me just as much as any of the others. I still feel effects from not going almost every time I talk to him.) I missed my (at least then) good friend's wedding. There are tons and tons of things I can say that I screwed up, and I'm sure everyone that knows me can add more that I've tried to push out of my head. The point is, I hated who I was then, and I haven't been able to push all of that out of my head. It's been well over two years since that relationship ended, and I'm still suffering from everything that got pushed into my head then. I hate it, and I hate myself for it.
Before that relationship, I was happy-go-lucky (to an extent), but I was ALWAYS there for friends and family. There have always been my number one priority, and I completely lost that when I met TJ. I treated people like shit. I have been trying to reverse that and turn myself back into the person I was before. The person that people came to trust and care for. I feel like I am starting to get back to that now, after over two years, I finally feel like I am showing people that I still care as much as I ever did, and more.
But going online and finding information about people I don't talk to anymore hurts. It makes me remember the good times we had together, the way nothing could get between us. No matter how hard it was, things got worked out. The strength of the friendships was so great that nothing could break it. Chris and I had a falling out over Courtney, there was a huge deal with that, yet we remained friends after everything happened. No girl could get between the friendship, even though she meant so much to me.
Yet I let that happen. I let TJ get between everyone I loved and myself. I don't think I can, or will ever forgive myself for letting that happen, nor should I. I still feel the effects of my family and friends, knowing how they all felt about the whole situation, how I was told time and again not to do what I was doing. Yet I did. I don't think that things will ever be the same because of what I did, and I'm facing the consequences of that, and probably will forever. I cannot even being to apologize for what I did, yet my true friends are still there for me. My family is always there for me, although I wouldn't be surprised if they hated me for it. I don't doubt that some of them still do. For those of you that are still there for me, I can't begin to thank you enough for being the great people that you are.
But then I think about all the people I hurt, all the people I lost because of my stupidity, and it still hurts. I think of the fact that, no matter when someone called, no matter what I was doing, I would be there for them. I know that is the real me, and I know that I have not been like that since then. Every night I was out with someone, showing them that I really cared about being their friend. If I got a call from my brother, I would go over when he wanted me to. I fucked that up really bad, and lost a lot of people in the process.
I know people are allowed to make mistakes. I made a mistake, but feel like it was a lot bigger of a mistake than anyone else has ever made. I really wish I hadn't done the things I did, and that I had listened to people when they told me I was being stupid. Love makes people stupid, I am the poster child. As many bad things as I can say about TJ, and the way she has fucked with my head for this long after I haven't spoken to her, I still loved her.
I have been able to deal with the way I felt about Courtney for a long time now, and I can hardly even recall why we broke up. That's the way I am. When I get over the bad things, I forget what they were, and only good memories are left behind. This is where I am starting to get with my brain today. I am finally starting to let go of the bad things that TJ did to me and remember the good times, and the good feelings we had together. But the feelings I have for the way I betrayed my family and friends will never go away, and they are permanantly tied into the reason behind it all. For that, I believe, I will never be able to get rid of the bad feelings toward her.
As for now, being fresh out of another relationship, I don't know exactly what I'm feeling, and I'm sure it will be awhile before I can figure it all out. Since I still talk to Jen at least a few times a week, it's hard to think of the bad times, it's hard to even contemplate them because we're still friends. She didn't mess with my head and screw me up. Good memories are definitely there, she was one person who helped me through everything greatly. I know that no significant other ever wants to hear about your previous relationship, but Jen would bring it up and make me talk about it, get it off my chest so I wouldn't explode just trying to figure it out on my own. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it was for her to deal with being that important person when I couldn't even get my head around how to be me.
My family has always been there, even when I didn't talk to them for whatever amount of time it was. I hadn't talked to Mom in over three months at one point, and I called her on Mother's Day to say hi. She was so happy to hear from me, but I know she was upset that I hadn't been around, or even called to say that I was okay. And when the shit hit the fan, she was there to pick me up and take me home in no time flat. There was never any question in her mind what she needed to do, and that shows me the true strength of family. And this doesn't only go for Mom, this goes for everyone in my family. Jerry was there with her to pick me up that day. Rick and Sed were there to welcome me back with open arms. Dad and Dawn were there to tell me everything would be okay, and that I was more than welcome to come over if I needed anything. Everyone in my family was there to help me get back on my feet in their own way, and I can't explain the great feeling I got from that. I could probably make this paragraph last the length of War & Peace just explaining what each person did individually, but I won't go into that here.
My friends were amazing too. When Scott heard what had happened there were literally 6 hours from when he found out to when he said he was heading down here. From Fresno. I can't even explain how it felt to know that he was willing to drive that far on a day's notice to come make sure I was okay. I still haven't sufficiently thanked him for that. Chris, being the weird guy that he is, was happy that it had happened (after he made sure I was okay, of course). We have been just as good of friends throughout as we ever were. That might partially be because he was not in town for the whole situation, so not talking for a long time was fairly normal. I could go on about more friends individually, but I won't.
The point is this: When I was looking around online to find people that used to care about me, I realized even more how much I miss what I used to have, and how I used to be to people. People would trust me and care for me because of how I treated them. I miss that a lot. I know I'm starting to get back there, trying very hard to talk to people I care about at least once a week. But we all know it's hard to talk to everyone that often. But I'm trying to be the old me again, because that's who I really liked to be.
I have found some people that I'm sure have forgotten about me, and I don't know how to deal with it. On one hand I want to tell them, "Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I still think about you often. You don't have to say anything back, but I just want to let you know that I'm sorry." On the other hand, I'm afraid to say anything because they'll either have forgotten me, or will take me up on my offer and not say anything back. There's a person that I met senior year of high school, became great friends, and continued to talk to her through the next two years. I found her blog a few months back and have read it a few times since, but will not comment on because I'm afraid she either hates me or will not remember who I am. I saw Vicki Rizzo, my high school best friends' Mom, on the road the other day. But I didn't honk to wave, because I didn't think she'd recognize me. I wanted to follow her home and ask her how Adam is doing, how Erin is doing, and what everyone has been up to lately. I know Vicki is still working at Dennis Chavez. I do my homework by checking up on things like this online. But I was too scared to even make the attempt. I saw an old friend from Gateway get on AIM a couple weeks ago, and every day since. I'm too scared to IM her because she won't know who I am.
And yet, I sit here day after day knowing that the only friend I have in town (family aside) is Chris. And as much fun as it is to hang out with him, I really wish I had more people to go out with. He leaves to go hang out with his friends, or his cousin, and I'm stuck here to sit and fuck around on my computer. Sometimes I go out with them, but it's not the same. It's not the friends I spent years creating relationships with. I talk to people I got to be great friends with at TiVo now and then, but rarely see them anymore. The two people who really stayed in my life from there talk to me at least once a week, and that is nice, but conflicting schedules and the fact that they have to go home to their significant others makes it hard to hang out.
I try to see my immediate family as much as possible. As you read in the first few paragraphs of this (seems like an eternity ago, doesn't it?), I went to Mom's house twice this weekend. I saw Dad last weekend and went back to his house to check on the cats this weekend. I was able to hang out with my brother for a full evening when he was here for only three days, and will be seeing them (Rick and Sed) as much as possible when they are here in October. I don't want to impose, as they have plenty of their own friends that they need to see while they're here, but you can bet your ass that I will be hanging around Mom's house quite a bit that week.
These are the little things I am doing to try to become my old self again. I feel like I need to be there for people, the way I was before my head got fucked up. And it's helping. I am feeling more like the person I used to be, although I can never let some things go. But at the end of the day, I still realize that I don't have nearly as many people in my life as I used to. I want to have 10 minutes with every person I have ever cared about and just be with them so they know that I still care, no matter what happened. And that isn't limited to the people I hurt and left behind, that's everyone.
I guess this is all being brought out for a couple reasons. First, I'm starting to get rid of the stupid shit that's been in my head since TJ introduced it, and I'm starting to get the thoughts of how I used to be back. Second would probably most prominantly be the death of Eric Drotning this summer. At the service, there were so many people that cared for him, he touched so many lives in such a positive way. I barely knew him in high school until about senior year. After I got to know him, I understand how he got into so many peoples' hearts. And I began to wonder, what would it be like if that happened to me? I know a lot of people that would be there for me, but how many more could it be? How many people have I lost touch with that wouldn't even know it had happened? I love too many people, and have far too much caring in my heart for my friends and family to lose people that I care about. I cannot live my life thinking of what could have been.
I could list an entire page worth of people that I think about on a weekly basis that don't even know what I'm doing now, and that I know very little about right now. For those of you in my life, I thank you with all my heart for being there for me, especially when I really needed you. I will never let go of that. I can't ever forget what you've all done for me. I am doing everything I can to be the me that you all knew before I screwed everything up, and I will continue to try as hard as I can to be the best friend I can be. I am trying to be there in every way that I can for all of you, and I will continue trying forever.
The last few years have opened my eyes more than ever before. I realized that the way I was is the right way to be, and I turned my back on that. I cannot do that again, because you people care too much about me and I care far more about you. It will take a lot of work, and life is hard having to juggle work and life in general, but I am going to do everything I can to be who I need to be for everyone I care about.
I used to tell my friends and family that their happiness was more important to me than my happiness. That got thrown in the shitter awhile back, but I think I am getting back to that mentality. I've heard people say that their boyfriend or girlfriend told them the same thing and that it bothered them. They say that they don't want their happiness to come first, but that they should both be happy. Well, I pretty much disagree. If someone is important to me, I want them to be happy, no matter how much of a pain it is to me. It's worth it. It doesn't mean that I'm killing myself to make you happy, I'm just doing everything I can to ensure your happiness while still being ecstatic to be in your life. That's what it means to me. When I say your happiness is more important than mine, it means that I care for you so much that I want to make life as great for you as it can be, because I'm already very happy to have you in my life.
This is how I feel right now. Everyone that is in my life makes me so extremely happy. I can't imagine life without all of you, even if you are too far away to be with very often. And that's where the depression from the weekend came into play. Damn near everyone in my life that I want to call and say, "Hey, let's go get lunch" is out of the state. Except those that don't know that I still think of them. I really want to be there for the people that I hurt, but I know in most cases that will not happen. For the people that it will happen for, you're already in my life, and I'm grateful beyond words.
I don't have an ending for this, because I've been going on for somewhere around an hour now, but you all know me, I'm not good at endings. My points have been made, and I'm sure you all understand what I'm getting at. Thank you for always being there for me, even though I fucked things up royally. And if anyone that I don't talk to anymore reads this, contact me, I'm sure I've been thinking about you lately.
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